Bottled Love and Horror
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: "What the heck is SoRiku!" Bottled fan fiction begins washing up on Destiny Islands. It isn't too long before Sora and Riku crack.


**Disclaimer: This author does not own **_**Kingdom Hearts, Star Wars, Harvest Moon, **_**Or Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream"**_**.**_

* * *

**Bottled Love and Horror**

Sora gave an excited exclamation of, "Finally!" as he cradled the bottled message in his palm. For weeks, he and Riku had been waiting for the King's words on the possibility of Xehanort's return. As Sora uncorked the bottle, he couldn't help but wonder about the message's contents. Would it be words or wisdom or news of war?

As it turned out, it was neither of these things, but what was really was made Sora wish it was about Xehanort instead.

* * *

Riku tethered his boat to the island's little dock. "Sora?" he called. Sora had left early in the morning for the island and had not returned all day. It was nearly nightfall now. "Are you here?"

In the distance, Riku could've sworn he heard the familiar sounds of a scuffle. Alarmed, Riku summoned Way to the Dawn and rushed off in the noise's general direction. Moments later, he found the source.

Sora was bashing his head against a piece of driftwood, steadily chanting a mantra of, "Bad mental images, bad mental images..." A shattered bottle lay next to the occupied teen, along with a curled but crisp paper.

After dismissing his Keyblade, Riku managed to wrestle the driftwood from Sora's grasp. Determining that the paper was the source of Sora's terror, Riku plucked it from the ground.

"No! Riku, save yourself!" Sora summoned his own Kingdom Key and tackled Riku, stealing the slip of paper and backing away several feet. "It's just too dark, even for you! Not even the wrath of Xemnas's lightsabers equals this!"

"What did the King say?" Riku queried. "Is Xehanort back or what?"

Sora shook his head, grains of sand falling from his locks as he did so. "No! It's worse!"

Riku eyed the paper and the King's seal on it with wonder. What could possibly be worse? "Why would the King-"

"Not the King! It's someone else...another enemy, probably an unusually cruel and powerful Heartless of some sort..."

While Sora was blabbering, two more bottles splashed to shore, both bearing the King's seal. Deciding to spare Sora, Riku smashed open one bottle and snatched the paper. As he perused the contents, Riku finally empathized with Sora's agony.

"_Hey, this is like my first KH fanfic, so dont flames me or anythings. Sorikua 4 eva!"_

"What the CRAP is Soriku?" Moments later, Riku found out...and wished he hadn't. "What morons would write this garbage?"

"Fan girls," Sora replied, walking up to Riku. It seemed he had regained his composure. "I've met a few, and they're absolutely rabid. I've never actually seen anything like _this. _How'd they get the King's seal, though?"

Riku raised an eyebrow. "Sora, Mickey's seal consists of three black circles stuck together. It's not that hard to replicate. So." He reread the opening. "What's this? 'Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts'...I would hope not. Some pedophilic creep with Kingdom Hearts would destroy everyone."

With that, Riku furiously tore the paper into teeny, bite-sized pieces. "Douche bag fan girls! I - oh, come on!"

More and more bottles arrived on the beach. Riku went to blast a dark aura, but Sora drew him to a halt. "What if one message belongs to the King? We could screw over entire worlds!"

Riku was loath to admit it, but Sora was right. He lowered his arm. "We can't let anyone find these."

Sora gazed at the mainland's distant shore. "...So what do we do now?" He shuffled his feet awkwardly. "I mean, I know what we have to do, but I'd rather listen to Phil screech, 'GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!' eight hundred times than admit our duty."

Riku glowered at the sand, apprehension welling in within his dark mind's inner depths. "We'll have to read them all."

* * *

"Ha! This one is a 'Teenage Dream' songfic about Xemnas and Xigbar!" Sora cackled. Soon he realized how hypocritical he was being, so he shut up. "Let's see. Fanfic...fanfic...fanfic..." Opening another one, he stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Alright, how could I be paired with Roxas? Roxas is _me!"_

_Half of you, anyways, _Roxas's voice resounded in his head.

"Whatever," Sora muttered.

_No! You have to get your facts straight! _Roxas continued. _A Nobody is not the person, merely the shell of the person. The heart is missing._

"I knew that!"

_Wouldn't the heart be less than half the person? _An unfamiliar female voice inquired.

_She has a point, _said a male voice, but this one was neither Sora nor Roxas, despite it sound like the latter boy. _The heart only takes up a small part of the body, though the heart has the greatest value._

_Shut up, Ven! _hissed a mysterious voice. Sora massaged his temples. How many voices did he have? _No one likes you! Now, silence! I'm playing Harvest Moon!_

_That game is totally pointless! _Roxas bellowed.

_Is not! It's about the values of friendship, right, Ventus?_

_I don't have the darkness to hate you for that jab. Whose fault is that, huh?_

_Mine! Got it memorized?_

_You sound like Axel, _the female commented.

Sora wisely decided to ignore the voices in his head and his possible developing schizophrenia. He flung the Roxas/Sora fanfic to the ground and opened another message. "Yuck! Roxas and Axel!"

_Wow, that's wrong, _the female spoke.

_I hate my life, _Roxas sighed. _And people wonder why I'm so emo..._

_Even _I _think that's terrible, and I'm pure darkness, _the scary voice said.

_For once I agree with you! _Ventus replied.

"You guys said it!" Sora replied. He then shut up as Riku gave him a worried glance. "What?"

"You're talking to Roxas again, right?"

"Uh...yeah? And three others."

"Mmm," Riku returned to work. "Just asking sure you still have your sanity. I'm slowly losing mine. So why do people have minds sick enough to write this?"

"Look on the bright side, Riku!" Sora flashed Riku a knowing and even slightly scary grin. "Since these people are so cruel, they will become Heartless and Nobodies. Then we'll be able to destroy their sorry butts in battle, right? Got it memorized- DANG IT, ROXAS!"

_Vanitas said that phrase first!_

"I don't care if Vanitas spoke first! Just keep it quieter in my head!"

"Sora! Riku!" Sora and Riku froze as their names were called. Sprinting towards them with surprising speed was Kairi, holding a rumpled paper and looking both enraged and incredulous.

Sora gave her a little wave, while Riku slapped his own forehead. Kairi shoved the paper in their faces, wiping any trace of happiness from Sora's hopeful face. "What is this?"

"Uh...a piece of paper?" offered Sora.

"Or perhaps some white trash?" Riku lent. This option was more believable.

Kairi hurled the fanfic to the sand. "That's exactly what it is! Some random stalkers decide to write out their revolting wet dreams about you two...they're all over town!" Kairi's face became as red as her hair.

"_What?" _Sora and Riku shouted simultaneously, their jaws dropping to the ground.

"How will we live this down?" Sora groaned.

"I didn't know a Princess of Heart could get so angry," Riku said as Kairi proceeded to hack away with her Destiny's EmbraceKeyblade. Within seconds, the fanfic had been reduced to scraps.

"I'm going to go find these fan girls!" Lacing the last two words with venom, Kairi left Sora and Riku and headed back. "I'm gonna need a shovel, some lighter fluid, a rabid muskrat..."

Sora stared at her retreating form for a few seconds before seizing another bottle. "Remember the King...remember the King..." he whispered incessantly. He broke the seal. "Hey, this one's a picture- AGH!"

Sora hurled the paper to the ground as the four voices in his head gave cries of revulsion. He began to claw at his eyes. "Must. Gouge. Out. The sin!"

It took quite a while for Riku to pry Sora's hands from his eyes. There were a few scratches just above his eyelids, but no further harm was done. Unfortunately for Riku, the fan art landed face up, and it saw it's repulsive contents. Above the picture was the title, "My Sora/Riku/Mickey Lemon."

There was no other option: Riku summoned Way to the Dawnand obliterated the picture. These..._things _were mental! Any more of it and both he and Sora would need to be locked in padded cells with straitjackets.

Riku continued down his path of destruction, demolishing all of the opened fanfics. Once he was finished, he collapsed on the sand next to Sora, who was curled into a ball. "Sora?" the bundle of ludicrously spiky hair and zippers did not respond. "Sora!"

"Riku..." Sora murmured. Totally serious, he looked Riku in the eye and said, "I would sooner face Sephiroth for the four hundredth time than participate in those fanfics."

Riku nodded. "And I'd rather sing in two hundred of those Atlantica musicals."

They sat in silence for a while, glancing at the mainland every now and then until it became too dark to see. Eventually, the two stood, staring at the scores of unopened bottles.

Sora shot Riku a manic grin. "Hey, I have an idea..."

Riku understood immediately. "Go right on ahead."

Once again, Sora called forth the Kingdom Key_, _Aiming it at the myriad of bottles, Sora gave a holler of "FIRE!" Sora's Firaga, considered by the two to be the most beautiful flame they had ever seen due to the circumstances, instantly engulfed it all, giving Sora and Riku a humongous bonfire. Slapping high-fives, the two began to set up a camp.

* * *

Three days passed. During this time, neither Sora nor Riku left the island, in fear of everyone's reactions to the fan fiction. Fortunately, they discovered no blips on their gaydar, so they were able to relax slightly. Still, both felt they were forgetting something...

Sora snapped to attention when he heard cracking in the trees. Keyblade locked and loaded, he shouted, "Who's there?"

Moments later, the identities of the invaders were realized as they clambered out of the undergrowth. They weren't fan girls. They weren't Heartless or Nobodies or even Organization XIII. They were Donald and Goofy.

"Sora! Riku!" Donald blurted testily. "Where have you been?"

Sora did not respond, but instead sighed in relief. "Did you hear that, guys and girls? No fan girls! Happy day! Goody goody gum drops, the sheriff will be pleased!" Sora had lost a sliver of his sanity during their stay on the islet.

Riku, on the other hand, was still decently sane and was able to ask, "What happened?"

"Master Xehanort's back!" said Goofy. "We sent ya a message in a bottle! Didn't you guys get it?"

"Xehanort's armies have already invaded ten worlds!"

Sora and Riku exchanged the universal "Oh, crap" look.

* * *

**Spare the characters: Mind their preferences.**

**NOTE: Edited for grammar on 11/18/2011. I also extended it. **


End file.
